“Letting go”
Recently I attended the funeral of an estranged loved one. It was quite a surreal experience. I sat attentively in the front row of the funeral parlor staring into a casket filled with the shell of a being whose spirit, in my opinion, fled the scene long before any physical death ever occurred. As I peered at the stoic corpse, all I could feel was NOTHING. There was an emptiness that consumed me because of a disconnect that took place more than 25 years ago. It almost felt as if I were merely an outsider… like some sort of onlooker. Under normal circumstances, when a family member perishes we tend to experience bouts of sadness as we realize that this is the fork in the road were we must temporarily part ways.
To this day, I still can't distinguish whether I was paralyzed more by the thoughts of the opportunities that my father allowed to fall by the wayside or by the notion that it would kill me if my own son sat at my funeral and couldn't muster even two positive memories of our times together. As I paid my final respects to a father I never truly knew, I had to constantly remind myself that his siblings and my Grandmother have been sufficient in spite of his void. Some might say that he had a legitimate excuse seeing how he's been a drug addict for the greater portion of my life. How could he possibly be responsible for his children when in the grand scheme of things he couldn't even take care of himself? As the pastor preached from a makeshift alter, her words pierced my soul like a hot knife through melted butter. Her words still resound vividly in my ears. "God's got him ... rest now, you all can let go".
My definition of letting go differs greatly from my Grandmother, my Aunts and my Uncle. I had to let go of animosity. I had to let go of the armor lining that hugged my heart. I had to make peace with the fact that my father was less than capable of being a responsible parent. Ultimately, I had to let go of my father’s transgressions. Although I've let go of old frustration, I hold firmly to my determination to strive constantly to be a loving father, motivator, supporter, and consistent presence in the life of my lone offspring. So I’m happy to say that “today is a new day, I let go of yesterday”. Be blessed.
Corey R.
4 comments:
I'm glad to see that you've taken something very positive from something that could've just as easily made you very negative. Too many people complain of their childhood experiences, blaming the past for their current state. I say take responsibility and own up to your actions!! Only you can make a difference in your own life. Good for you, C-Luv!
This is an epiphany you have reached. The very thing the Bible teaches you and the message within the Lord's Prayer has come to life for you. We are told not to judge others and to forgive those who sin against us. This message is constant in the Bible.
Even though you acknowledge the love given from your father's side you harbored ill emotions regarding your father's capabilities or lack thereof.
God will be pleased with your new realization to let go for the transgressions he made against you, to let go of the hurt he was caused you and to let go of the what ifs. Ironically these very things held you back and have affected your relationships and dealings with others, even blocked if not jacked some of your blessings.
Reading this makes me think of the relationship between me and the father of my children. It also makes me think of the relationship between my children and their father. I feel as though I have let go, I know I don't harbor any ill-feelings towards him however I get frustrated by his decisions. I always question how far should I go to encourage him to be a part of his children's lives? Where are the boundaries? Who should be the one "coaching", "guiding" and "teaching" him if he doesn’t rely on God. After I have forgiven his short comings and forgiven his mistreatment of two great blessings - then what?
Besides encouraging my daughters to continue to love him yet not paint a rosy facade regarding the reality - what else should happen? I don't want them to have ill feelings and I don't want them to chase after him. I would hate that due to his absence they search for love in the wrong places. I don't want them to look in on his casket and finally let go.
You have touched on several emergencies here. 1. Absent fathers and the pain they cause. 2. How a child should handle the mistreatment of a father. 3. Relationships – who should stand up and get involved in setting the father on the path of fatherhood.
Hey C - I'm sorry to read about your loss. It's a weird situation when you lose something you never really feel like you had. How do you lose a void? I know how you feel. I'm glad you chose to share something so authentic on your blog. That's what we read it for. Take Care!
Damn cousin. Great blog..I never knew you even knew who your father was but I know that as kids you always wandered. I'm glad to see you were man enough to go to the funeral and "Let GO"...
Erik
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