Space Invaders
This one is for my dawgs...
Okay bro here's the deal... you cheated on your girl, you got caught out there and now your lady wants to end the relationship. So what do you do? Don't answer that. Instead, let me tell you how it all goes down. Now that you've gotten jammed up, you are determined to do whatever it takes to salvage your strained relationship. All of a sudden, you "think" you realize just how much your woman really means to you. Out of the blue, it becomes crystal clear that you really did have a GOOD woman in your corner. She's smart, attractive, upwardly mobile, she can cook, the lovin' is great, she knows how to cater to her man, and she makes more money than you do. The thought of some other guy ending up with your woman is enough to drive you insane. So now you return to your old ways of trying to woo your lady. You know I'm right. So you begin to send flowers to her job again, you leave cute little cards in her briefcase, you call her phone when you know she's not available just so you can serenade her voicemail with an ole' familiar love song from yesteryear. Isn't it funny how, just like that, you manage to revert back into a dating pro?
So especially for my fellow hind-sighted courtship experts out there, I jotted down a few questions that the sistahs want answers to:
1. Why does it always require men to get caught up in a dramatic episode before they realize the true value of good mate?
2. Why do men tend to cheat on their woman with a girl who clearly doesn't measure up to the 'DIME' they have at home?
3. What gives men the audacity to think that a few apologies and kind gestures should help to restore a betrayed woman's trust, confidence, or love?
One common thread amongst most men who have cheated and gotten caught is that all of a sudden we become relationship micro-managers. In other words, we want to know where she's going, who she's going with, when she's coming back, and mainly CAN I GO TOO? I went through a similar situation once with an ex-girlfriend. I can still recall walking on egg shells whenever she was out of my direct line of sight. I would try to plan daily activities just so that I could account for every second of idle time in the course of her day. The "Ex" would decline my offers of course and tell me that she just needed time away from me so that she could sort things out mentally. Y'all already know a brotha wasn't trying to hear any of that madness though. Instead, I tried harder. That's right ... I did everything from planning romantic outdoor excursions complete with fruit, wine, chocolates and finger sandwiches; to orchestrating spontaneous mini vacations; to "Baby I was thinking, you should let me take you shopping"... Don't sleep, a desperate man will resort to anything. She would typically accept the offers that were most beneficial to her. Yet at the end of the day, she made it painfully clear that I was crowding her space. The toughest thing for a man to do is to let go when he knows his woman is in a vulnerable space.
Fellas, take heed... it will benefit you, your lady, and the relationship far more if you just honor the woman's request and allow her some much needed space. Nothing will drive a woman away quicker than an over-bearing cheater. You've made your bed, bro. It's time to man up and lie in it. If that woman manages to forgive you, whether sooner or later, it will ultimately have to be her own decision. Your constant presence is merely a reminder of your betrayal. You are doing more harm than good. BACK OFF! She will get in touch with you ... if and when she decides to. And if she never does, well then I guess you should start considering a full term relationship with "the runner up". I'm just saying, it is what it is, dawg.
Corey R.
12 comments:
C-Luv you have done it again! Brilliant blog and great questions. This situation is way to common this day and age. Seems like we need to do away with "committed" relationships. Too many men have a good thing at home and are still out here looking for what they think they are missing out on. Too many women allow these men to "have their cake and eat it too". Maybe b/c they were betrayed by someone they loved or maybe b/c they are not looking for a serious/committed relationship- they just want to have fun. Whatever the reason, the fault is on the person who is supposed to be committed. If you don't want to be committed, don't make the committment! The problem is the man felt like he had other "options" and was greedy. He started taking his women for granted and now that he's busted he realizes that he had a "dime" that loved him and had his back. What he and many other men need to realize is women have just as many "options" and they're still taking care of their sh**. Please believe that there is a seat for every ass! Things in life would be so much easier if we could communicate and be honest. Everything you do in life is a choice and if you live by the motto- "treat folk like you want to be treated", we'll all be happier and safer. That man needs to give his woman space and time to figure out what's the best thing for her. He needs time and space to figure out what he wants. It is almost impossible to be in a relationship when you don't trust the other person. Does he want to live like that? You have to add one more question. If his woman did exactly what he did to her, what would she need to do or say to make things right?.... don't worry I'll wait! Not nothin!!! :-)
Remember: You never miss out on a good thang 'til it's gone! If you gonna cheat, atleast let it be with someone whose worth it!
Anonymous - I was with you, right up until the end. Your last line should be "If you want something else, man up and FREAKIN' LEAVE, don't CHEAT"...there's never a good reason for that. Coming from someone that just went through the scenario (and yes, he still calls)..there's never a "good" reason. And don't forget...there's a seat for every ASS, but it's up to each of us to recognize that and take care of it. :)
I sure am looking forward to the fellas response(s) to the questions posed in this post.
Luv, maybe you can kick it off and give us your perspective as it relates to these questions.
I just think you all were deprived of oxygen at birth.
Yo, you hit home on a very sensitive subject. I have actually experienced this whole ordeal. The pushing away part is very true. When you cheat and get caught you begin hoping and praying that she won’t step out on you, you become over-bearing, the gift giving, flower sending, blah, blah, blah. None of that matters as you stated. If it will come back it will just have to happen. I probably pushed my peoples off the bridge. The reality of it all is that the man is just insecure and he has realized that he was an inconsiderate coward! WE as men don’t have to cheat! If you don’t have communication in your realitionship, its destined to fail! I don’t know of one positive relationship which has lasted without communication. You know we think we're slick til we get caught then you realize that if she did that to you, you would probably need a psych ward!! LOL…
The first thing I thought when I read this was...
Your REAL LIFE is so often the one that you do not lead. Most people live in a fantasy world, a world of illusion. A world, or shall I say “LIFE”, that alludes to the fact that you are content with one woman or man, a marriage to your “second choice”, your job, and so on. You live your real life being the real you behind closed doors or eyes, rather. And when you are caught “cheating” (being with the other person that you enjoy) you take the easy way out. You see, it’s easier to apologize for being real than ask permission to continue your promiscuous relationship with the other woman who you really cannot have because she actually "feels pretty good about the space you're operating in right now…accomplishing…things minus the stresses that often accompany a committed relationship”. So now you have deluded yourself into thinking that the one that caught you cheating is the “dime”. And you beg to keep what’s obtainable (see WOD 7 Jan 08).
My question is this… Why can’t you have your cake and “her” too as long as everone is enjoying the party.
I'm with you Kim Possible... men need to realize that communication and honesty is key to living your "true" life. If you treat whomever you're in any type of relationship with respect anf honesty, you could have your cake and eat it too! You can hang out with whoever you choose as long as everyone knows where they stand. Not everybody is looking to be in "committed" relationships. I feel as long as we are vibing and you are "with me" when you're with me (meaning I have your full attention when we are together)I'm cool. We're grown! Like your other repliee said, treat me the way you want to be treated and I'll do the same!
I have a few questions of my own for the men
Why do always think we want a committed relationship?
When we decide to end the relationship or the friend with benefit arrangement, why do you always think it's someone else? Why can't it be that were just tired of YOU?
Why can't you just be HONEST? You have to be willing communicate so we can understand you, or is that the point to keep us in the dark?
Are you looking for the perfect woman realizing your not the perfect man?
Kim Possible is on the money. If you're cheating, you're probably not completely satisfied, which is why your "eye" strayed. And what makes you think your "Dime at Home" wasn't cheating? Please remember that women cheat too, the difference is that we are way too smart to get caught. Man up and be honest in your relationship and you will avoid these kinds of situations.
Know the Game!
Kim possible, thanks for keepin it real. I too agree why can't you have your cake and her too if everyone's enjoying the party?
Once again, I'd like to thank all who have taken the time to drop a jewel on my blog. There was quite a disparity in opinions on this one. I appreciate one and all.
I guess it's time I gave my two cents worth, huh? Okay, here it goes...
1. Men often develop strong ties to the valuables assets we fear losing. When faced with the possibility of separation, we begin to recall the special attributes that attracted us initially so quite naturally we re-channel the energy that accompanied those moments.
2. We don't typically seek women who can eclipse our mate. Men are simple in nature. We don't necessarily require "better", especially since our goal is not to replace the woman at home. We actually just want DIFFERENT. Different doesn't mean sexier, smarter, prettier, thinner, or younger. Different could be something as simple as "available", attentive, or generous.
3. Men are intelligent enough to realize that the apologies and kind gestures don't qualify us as worthy of your forgiveness. Still desperation forces us to try to appeal to the durable and elastic nature of our estranged female companion. Its like rolling dice. Sometimes we crap out but there is also a 50 percent chance that we could win big.
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