"How to feel?"
Two weeks ago, my youngest Aunt (the cool one) came to town to pay my Grandmother a visit. My Aunt and her family reside in New Jersey so it's always cool to hangout with her when she's in town visiting. Since she had yet to see my house, I made it a point to be her personal chauffeur for the evening. I picked my Aunt Beverly up from my Grandmother's house and took her to Northeast Baltimore so she could check out the crib. Upon entering my home, my Aunt exclaimed that she was impressed by my choice of home decor. She joked that it was not at all like the typical bachelor pad. Then, in the next instant, her interior designer instincts kicked in as she began to make suggestions of subtle accent pieces that I might consider to further enhance the mellow "machismo" that I've established.
Last week ... surprisingly enough, my Aunt 'Bev' returned to town. It's rare to see her in Maryland two weeks in a row. This time, when I stopped pass my Grandmother's house, my Aunt surprised me with some beautiful window treatment for my dining room. No doubt, the addition of those lovely valances are going to transform the look and feel of my dining room. Beverly has always been the type of person who delights in doing wonderful things for others. She's one of the few folk I know who genuinely finds fulfillment in doing for others. She's a remarkable Mom, a supportive sister, an unconditional wife, a loving daughter, and a great person. I guess that's why I just can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact that she's no longer here.
On Friday night, my Aunt Bev was involved in a tragic auto accident. Both her husband and 21 year old daughter are in intensive care, even now. My Aunt wasn't as fortunate, obviously. She was pronounced dead at the scene of the crash, just after 8pm last Saturday. Right now I feel numb. I still can't take this melancholy news seriously. I keep expecting to awaken from this 72 hour nightmare and hear my Aunt's nasal voice telling me how much she's looking forward to my lil cousin's college graduation, in December. Damn, I hope it's true when they say she's in heaven looking down on us. I pray that she arrives in heaven in time to witness her baby girl's commencement ceremony. Just the thought of it should have me in tears but so far I guess I'm still in denial. The best way to describe my emotions is simply this: I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FEEL, right now.
Is that wrong?
Corey R.
5 comments:
I'm so sorry for your loss. And no, it's not wrong - when my grandfather died, it wasn't real to me until I saw him in the funeral home and then it was all TOO real. I ended up running out the door - didn't need the entire family seeing me lose my mind. At least you got to see her recently - I wasn't quite so lucky and still have a fair amount of unresolved guilt, even 14 years later. Again, my deepest sympathies to you and your family.
By that description you gave, I have no doubt in my mind that your Aunt is in a better place. It is unfortunate that she had to leave this earth prematurely, but you should feel good in knowing that her gifts you, your family, and the community will never be forgotten and her memory should live on far longer then her physical presence.
You're entitled to feel numb, angry, sad for a while just as long as your final emotion is REJOICE; you were close to one of the worlds' true wonders!
i'm here whenever you need an ear!
AP da kid.
C, I am also sorry to hear about you and your family's lost. In my humble opinion, there is no right or wrong way to feel when you loose a close friend or relative. We all grieve in different ways and at different times. So don't think because you haven't had a typical moment of cring or anything at the momment, that it's a bad thing. Just know, that all the good things she's done hear for others, God needed her most to do them in heaven. She'll always be with you and your family. She's ya'll's angel now.
If you need me, I'm here for you son.
Rik
I'll bet you've had about enough of people telling you how strong you are and how great you're doing during this awful, difficult period in your life. Maybe you'd rather hear someone say how much this sucks, how outrageous and unfair it is. Maybe you'd rather hear someone say that you don't have to be strong all the time. Or that's it's definitely ok to curse fate or throw a tantrum or two. So here I am to tell you all that stuff and more; there is no right or wrong way at a time like this. Just try to trust that you'll come out on the other side and how you work through is immaterial.
Hey.. its okay to mourn we are allowed, and if your mourning is a silent , void of unaccepting emotion, you are allowed that.
Repressive emotion is still emotion nonetheless.
HUGS
Be Strong, K.
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