cLoSe YoUrS
Last year, Tyler Perry brought his film entitled "Why did I get married" to theatres nationwide for our viewing pleasure. As is the case with most African American motion pictures, my homeboys and I conducted a brief post-analysis session of the main characters in the movie. We customarily try to determine which personality traits of the cast members can be likened to tendencies that we possess. I usually find these compare and contrast episodes quite fascinating. This session would prove to be different however.
I was disappointed to learn that the fellas pretty much all seemed to agree that my personality most closely mirrored that of the character Mike, (Jill Scott's husband in the movie). It actually bothered me to know that my closest friends associated me with a character who was so unbelievably inconsiderate, harsh, and deliberately hurtful. In all fairness though, it's not as if the fellas' perspectives were completely unfounded. In a previous relationship, at a much earlier stage of my life, I was in fact brash, brutally honest, and unsympathetic. Years ago, I harshly criticized a former girlfriend about her excessive weight gain. Although, I didn't go quite as hard as Mike's character, the fact still remains that I have inflicted my fair share of verbal assaults in the past.
The more I listened to my friends' accounts of my past antics, the more remorseful I felt about the way I mishandled that situation. I've grown quite a bit over the past few years. As a result, I dont simply acknowledge my mistakes; I also make an attempt to correct my wrongs, wherever possible. Even prior to the discussion I had with the homies, it was always apparent to me that this woman deserved a long overdue apology. Fortunately for me, I still have mutual friends with my ex. As I contemplated the best way to apologize to my ex-girlfriend, there were several thoughts that nearly prevented me from following through. The first thought that caused hesitance on my behalf was the fact that we haven't communicated in several years. The second was the fact that my mind kept trying to convince me that the conversation would fall upon deaf ears. What if she feels that your apology is too little, too late? I told myself "Forget it, I'm not doing it. We've both gone on with our lives, she's fine, I'm sure."
I probably convinced myself more than a dozen times not to go through with the confrontation, yet a part of me understood that this conversation truly needed to take place. Not just so that she would know that I'm sincerely sorry for the way I conducted myself in the past but more importantly because I've grown into a positive man and I owe it to myself to shed the burden of that former negative stigma that followed me for all those years. So three weeks ago, I arranged a face to face meeting with my ex. During our brief encounter, I apologized for every nasty remark, harsh criticism, and undeserved verbal assault that I have ever directed at her. I let her know that I would completely understand if she chose not to accept my apology. I also explained that I had not been at peace with myself for years as a result of never verbalizing my regret for the way I mistreated her, years ago. I concluded by telling her that I wished her nothing but the best that life has to offer because I feel that she truly deserves the best.
As I arose from my seat to leave, she calmly remarked "I forgive you, Corey" then she sealed the deal with a hug. I smiled on the inside when I heard her speak those four sweet words. To me those words symbolized a long awaited freedom. Freedom of the evil stigma that had previously attached itself to me. Freedom of the guilt associated with the mistreatment of a woman who once loved me unconditionally. Freedom from the chains that linked me back to my unresolved transgressions. Now... finally, I have closure. I swear it feels like someone just lifted the Eiffel Tower off of my aching shoulders. I don't claim to be "the boss of you" but if you have unhealed wounds, unresolved issues, or perhaps you have left the door ajar to some potentially volatile situation in your life; I strongly suggest that you do as I did and cLoSe yOuRs.
Corey R.
4 comments:
Wow C... I read your blog last night. It was so heart felt and it hit so close to home for me that I had to sleep on it to formulate my response. It is so major that you apologized to that woman. I'm sure she appreciated that huge step from you. Sometimes people don't realize how their words affect people. As with many of my responses to your blogs I am back to the "treat others as you wish to be treated"!
I learned that first hand. When I was 6 yrs old, my parent divorced. My mom was then a single parent and was working a full time job in the day and part-time job in the evenings. My sister and I moved in with my grandmother (my mother's mom). I grew up with a grandmother that hated me simply because I wasn't light skinned like my sister. She loved my sister and literally treated me like crap. I was abused physically,emotionally, and verbally from this woman on a daily basis. What hurt more than the physical abuse was the verbal. She told me EVERYDAY how ugly I was, how no one loved me, how I would never amount to anything, blah, blah, blah... The thing is I believed every word she said- why wouldn't I? This went on for years until my mother found out how she was treating me and moved my sister and I home. By then I was in high school.
Eventhough many people constantly told me how pretty I was, I didn't believe it. I believed the person that was supposed to love me unconditionally, care for me, and protect me. I thought I was an awful person but she was the awful person. It took me many years to gain self confidence and figure out my self worth. I still struggle sometimes with the whole- you have to be beautiful to be loved.
Beauty on the outside is great but the REAL beauty is what you have on the inside. It's what's in your heart and soul. It's being a person that is going to add value to people's lives. It's loving a person unconditionally, lifting them up, protecting them, helping them, etc. At the end of the day, I want people that are in my life and my personal space that are "real" meaning they love me unconditionally for who I am, they will always have my best interest at heart so they won't do or say hurtful things, they will be there for me, protect me and my heart, uplift and support me, and guide me in a positive manner.just like I will ALWAYS do for them!
I don't agree with Katt Williams when he said, "... It's called self esteem! How can I change how you feel about YOU, stupid b****". I don't care what some random person says about me that doesn't know me but I do care what someone that I think loves me says! So remember don't say something to someone that you don't want them to say to you or your mother! :-)
thanks to you c, and you anonymous for sharing your stories. i think everyone can gain something from your words.
It's great that you took the initiative to find your ex and let her know how you felt. That shows you're a MAN. And it was great that she handled the way she did..it shows she's a grown-up..It's great to see adults act like adults for a change. She could have gotten all GHETTO and went off on you but that would have been a shame b/c you seemed to have approched the situation in the best way possible..anyway its good to see grown-ups doing grown-up sh*t..
cuz
I definitely applaud you for working through your "reservations" about apologizing and actually following through with it. I recently had an ex apologize to me after 12 years of no contact (he found me on facebook) and it was nice to know that he thought enough of me after all these years, to actually apologize for how he treated me. I, of course, accepted his apology and apologized in return for the way that I reacted back then. At first I was a bit like "ummmm why apologize now" but my better judgment told me not to dig for deeper meaning or ulterior motives - to just take it at face value. I know it took A LOT for him to apologize and reading your blog shows me that my accepting his apology probably did as much for him as what his apology did for me.
Good stuff man! I told you from way back when, that you are truly a beautiful person - this is why!
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