No!
A friend of mine often quotes the words of author, Gavin De Becker. Mr. Becker advises his readers that "No! is a complete sentence". Growing up in the early eighties, it was commonplace for most young men and women of my generation to exhibit courtesy and politeness, in some form or fashion. Our guardians tried to raise us to show respect and demonstrate appropriate manners. Mr. Becker raises the point that it is perhaps that very same courteous demeanor that renders some of us victims to aggressive individuals who prey on our inability to effectively communicate the notion of No!
Let's be real, the majority of us have been taken advantage of by an aggressor, at some point or another, simply because we failed to effectively communicate the notion of No! Each additional justification or explanation of why we said No weakens the initial statement. No, is a complete sentence! It requires no further clarity, validation, nor proof. Mr. Becker suggests that aggressors seek to manipulate a conversation and/or situation in order to control the deeds or thoughts of an unsuspecting victim, usually in an unhealthy manner. The author believes that the longer an aggressor can keep a conversation going, the greater chance he or she stands to influence and control the victim.
Here's a real life example involving an unsuspecting woman (who happens to be engaged) and a "platonic" male friend who has been secretly desiring that same woman's attention for years:
~~~~~
A cellphone rings:
** Unsuspecting Woman - Hello.
++ Platonic Male Friend - Hey, girl how you been?
** UW - I've been doing well ... kinda stressed though. Planning a wedding can be rough.
++ PMF - Yeah, I've heard its quite an undertaking. Hey listen, I was thinking... there's this nice lil' happy hour affair coming up next week. How about we meet up for a couple drinks? That should help you unwind, a bit.
** UW - That sounds like a good idea but I'm gonna have to pass. I'm just so busy, lately.
++ PMF - Dang girl, look at you, not even married and you're already on lock down. A few cocktails ain't never hurt nobody.
** UW - Nah, I'm sorry, I can't ... as tempting as the offer sounds. Lawd knows, I love my French Martinis too.
++ PMF - C'mon lady, one drink... you'll be home before your man even has an opportunity to miss you.
** UW - Well, I dunno. Maybe but ... I mean, I can't stay long.
++ PMF - GREAT! So then I'll meet you at Luv's lounge next Thursday at 7pm. Deal?
** UW - Okay, I guess. One drink only, then I'm out.
++ PMF - Cool!
~~~~~
The sad thing about it is that she doesn't even realize that in the back of his mind, ole boy is thinkin' "Succccker". I'll leave you all to determine in your minds how this story eventually unfolds.
Understand that a firmly stated "No!" is explanation enough for anyone. The next time you are presented with an offer that is uncomfortable, unappealing, or unimpressive ... do yourself a favor and just firmly tell that BAMA "No!" and keep it moving.
Be Blessed.
Corey R.
1 comment:
I totally agree that "NO" means no but your actions have to relay those sentiments as well. As grown adults we have to take responsibility of our own actions. If the young lady didn't want to have drinks with that person she should have said "No" and meant it.
There are times when some folks intentions are to manipulate but there are other times when a person is extending invitations because they like the other persons company. They genuinely care about the person. What you have to do is ask yourself, " do I know this person?" and decide what you feel the persons intentions are. Is that person just wanting to be in your company and spend time with you or is that person trying to cause you harm?
Ultimately, you either want to be around that person or you don't and in the end YOU need to make that decision based on how you feel, not on how the other person feels. Then you won't feel like you're being manipulated because YOU would be in control of what does and does not happen.
I make the decision on who I allow in my space. That's with people who have shown me that they are an asset to my life and well being. If they show me otherwise, there's no need to accept an offer for drinks or anything else because then it's a wrap!
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